Every life is sacred. And according to Oklahoma Senator Constance Johnson, every sperm is too.

Under Senate Bill 1433, it will be illegal to release your sperm in anything other than a woman’s vagina.

In that light, and in accordance with Senate Bill 1433, one of the so-called personhood laws making the rounds in some of the more conservative states, she proposes:

Any action in which a man ejaculates or otherwise deposits semen anywhere but in a woman’s vagina shall be interpreted and construed as an action against an unborn child.

Under this well-thought-out piece of legislation, backdoor entry will be explicitly out. Self-pleasuring goes the way of the dinosaur. Any orifice, other than between the legs of a female receptacle, will be illegal and most likely punishable with time in the big house.

Or a Three’s Company marathon. They haven’t decided yet.

Speculation is the legislation might be in response to Virginia senator Janet Howell’s proposal that men seeking prescription treatment for erectile dysfunction get a rectal exam and cardiac stress test. That, in turn, was Howell’s smarmy response to the Virginia state senate’s attempted requirement that women seeking an abortion get an ultrasound first.

Basically, if you’ve been taking your Semenax, you better be darn sure them swimmers go straight to her sweet spot, fella. Anything less and we’re callin’ the cops.

Fortunately…for those of us with an IQ over 50, we can use our powers of deduction to observe that she’s kidding. You may ejaculate at will.